There are a lot of things I’ve done wrong during this prep. There are a lot of things I’ve done wrong in my life. I have lied, I’ve judged people, I have taken things for granted and I have served myself and my own needs before others. I’ve thrown recycling into the trash, I have left the cart in the middle of a parking space instead of putting it back into the cart corral, I have participated in sexual shenanigans with individuals I was not in a committed relationship with, I have held grudges and spoke ill about people who I don’t know. (Didn’t think this would turn into a confession blog did ya?!)
Now that you can smell my dirty laundry, I have to admit something else. One of the scary, wonderful and powerful things about living in a place alone without very many friends or family surrounding me is that I have a LOT of time to think and reflect. I think about a LOT of things and reflect on even more. Reflection is a pretty powerful thing when it is done HONESTLY and OPENLY. Especially when you are reflecting on yourself, your life and the things, people, actions you surround yourself with.
These last few weeks have been tough. I’d be lying if I said this prep has been easier than the first one. The first prep I did I learned a LOT about myself physically…what I’m capable of, how hard I can push myself and how tough my body really is. This prep…I’ve learned a lot mentally and emotionally. I have come to the painful realization that as much as I wish to be superhuman and as much as I try… I’m just not. I have trouble FOCUSING on one thing at a time because there are SO many things I want to do with my life. I get frustrated with myself because my body doesn’t do exactly what I demand of it. I am disappointed in myself for not being an overnight coaching, acting, writing sensation and allowing myself to be stuck in a job that I don’t love and not taking over the world by age 27.
I think a lot about where I was 5 years ago, where I was 2 years ago, even last year. I have pushed my body to the limits. I have totally changed my health, my way of eating, my way of exercising…hell the whole entire life I lead is completely different. My body and my health are totally different and I have spent the last 5 years making that happen. HOWEVER, I haven’t spent nearly as much time, energy and focus on my mental health. Sure, my motivation is different, my drive, determination, ambition and courage are all different but my MIND is still trying to catch up. I find myself getting frustrated with myself when I feel tired, when I feel crabby, when I feel overwhelmed and stressed and anxious. I get pissed off with myself when I feel unsure and when I don’t know exactly how to do something perfectly. Then again… I’m not superhuman.
It was a strange reflection indeed the last few days when I had to come to terms with the fact that it’s OKAY to not be goofy and silly “Lyss” all the time. I have to remind myself that it’s OKAY to feel scared and sad and unsure. It’s OKAY to not have all of the answers. It’s OKAY to feel defeated and homesick and to want to be alone. It’s even okay to not make jokes all the time and to just…be. I spent so many years defining myself as the “funny fat girl” that I forgot to check-in with myself when I wasn’t fat anymore and see how I felt, where my thoughts were and what I wanted for myself and my life moving forward.
I’ll never stop making stupid sexually perverted and politically incorrect jokes, I’ll never not be goofy and silly and weird and odd and all of things that make me who I am, but, I have to start being OKAY with the fact that there are other qualities in there too. I have to understand that I am going to feel uncomfortable and I’m going to have all of these emotions and feelings that I have never really sat with and felt before. As exciting as all of those “FEELINGS” sound…that terrifies me more than getting on stage in my teenie weenie bikini. But maybe this is my final step into my Transformation to a new life. I’ve lost the weight, changed my lifestyle, got rid of the skin… now this is the last step. Took me long enough! (What can I say…I’m stubborn). I may not be superhuman…. but I am a human who is super. I don’t think I like the word “transformation”. I think it makes me feel like something final, something definite. I’m ALWAYS going to be progressing, I’m always going to be changing, transforming, moving forward and reflecting. It’s a constant journey…not a destination.
This past week my prep has taken on a whole new life. I am FOCUSED. That was one of my reflections. Between work and studying and writing and meal preps and trying to stay active on social media, I was spread all over the place and forgot to just FOCUS on this prep. Maybe it’s too late to get focused, maybe it took me too long to realize what I was doing wrong and why but this past week and moving forward I am focused. I know my body is behind, I know my posing is behind and that’s on me. There is no one to blame but myself for any mis-steps in this process but myself. That’s what I love so much about this sport. Maybe that’s why I stick to myself in the gym and have trouble asking for and sticking to help from others with regards to this sport…because I need to figure this out for myself. *please refer back to my comment about being stubborn*
I have been taking this process to a WHOLE new level in terms of my training and trying to catch up:
Cardio has been one hour in the morning – 40 minutes on the stairs and 20 minutes of HIIT on the treadmill or bike. I have been doing this in my sauna suit, sweat pants and double sweaters. Then I do abs and then I go into the mirror room and go through all of my poses, mandatories and quarter turns in all of that sweaty stuff and hold for 20 seconds and have been increasing the hold time each morning. After my lift I go home, eat and then do Insanity Max 30. Say what you want about beachbody and the Insanity program but this shit is BANANAS! I hate/love Shaun T and it is a type of cardio that gets my heart rate sky high, I don’t have to wear underpants and I can hop RIGHT into the shower after.
My split has been pretty much the same but only one day off from lifting instead of two. Lifts have been INTENSE and with very little rest between sets. I have been incorporating “cardio acceleration” in between some sets where I run in place, do step ups, kettle bell swings….whatever I can think of that will keep my heart rate up between sets. I have been focusing on the “problem areas” like my lower back fat and thighs when I’m doing cardio as well as my lifts.
Diet has taken a pretty big hit as well and I have brought it to a place where I hope is good. I mean… I FEEL good, my body feels strong. Yeah, I’m tired at the end of the day but I would be concerned if I was doing cartwheels into bed every night instead of army crawling with exhaustion.
I’ve been at about 1,400 calories per day
180 grams of protein (mostly from chicken, eggs and fish).
70 grams of fat (from almonds, olive oil and coconut oil).
20 grams of carbs (from dark green veggies like broccoli and kale).
Cheat meals have been cut out for the remainder of prep and protein shakes have been discontinued. I am keeping this PALEO as this is usually what works best for my body and I notice I don’t as many bubble gut issues or digestion situations when I stick to the foods I know my body likes.
I have kept all of the supplements to bare bones since Mexico. I take what my body NEEDS for the bariatric surgery and I take caffeine/yohimbine in the mornings and before my lift for the energy.
There are some AMAZING things happening in the very near future. Instead of just focusing on the end product, I am going to really enjoy the experience ONE WEEK at a time.
I have 43 days- SIX WEEKS!
I’m behind but I’m not going to give up. That’s one quality that I believe IS superhuman… I will NEVER give up.
P.S. PLEASE don’t forget to tune-in on Sunday, February 7th at 8pm PST to:
We are going to chat about weight loss, skin surgery and all of the shenanigans in between.