Haha get it???
Well it has been absolutely amazing getting settled in here in Scottsdale! So far I am loving it!! There is SO much to do and so many different places to do them in….uh….that can be taken a weird way….maybe it was meant in a weird way….you’ll never really quite know will you?! I am really enjoying this new adventure I have embarked on.
This is the first time I’m on my own, paying my own rent, my own bills and wiping down my own kitchen! My parents have always taken care of everything for Johnny and me and the last few years my mom especially has taken care of EVERYTHING!! Literally….EVERYTHING!!! I liked to think I was helping by doing my part but I didn’t do s*#t compared to what my mom does to keep that big house going. All I have is a 1 bedroom condo and I feel like I’m ALWAYS cleaning, organizing and doing laundry! oh being an adult sucks so much! I’m finding my rhythm though! Thank goodness I am my own number one fan and keep myself entertained all the time. Plus, my new job is keeping me busy! I have only been here for a few weeks and EVERYONE has taken time out of their day to come to my office and welcome me, ask me how I’m doing and if I ever need anything to let them know. The General Manager takes time out of his day to say “Good Morning” to everyone on the property and asks about everyone’s family, pets, lives and actually CARES about what they have to say. It’s still a new place and of course everything is always spectacular at the beginning but the family vibe that this resort has, the camaraderie and the fact that people actually get along, know each other and spend time with each other is a really great and new experience. I don’t feel like I have to always be on my guard or looking over my shoulder or walking on egg shells. I can breathe! I’m really enjoying it. Look, Lettuce Ghee Cereal… the hotel business and event planning may not be my absolute dream job BUT it’s a job I really enjoy and a job I’m good at! Plus, other than Tony Robbins, I haven’t heard of too many people making much money being a motivational speaker and inspiring others for a living. So… I’ll stick with a job that I enjoy and that I’m good at and keeps a roof over my head for the time being.
The gym is and always will be my sanctuary. I don’t need to be having a bad day to have a killer lift in the gym. I love being there, I look forward to it and my heart sheds a little tear when I have to leave…or that could be the over-dose of pre-workout! The meat head gym I found here is AWESOME! They let me have a free personal training session and the trainer they gave me is an absolute rock star in bodybuilding! He competed for years, trains pros both men and women and truly knows his shit. I will be meeting with him every few weeks to get some new tips, tricks and REALLY take my physique to a new level for the next show and just challenge my muscles in general! I’ve also been doing more High Intensity Interval Training type cardio in the mornings to really work on my speed and agility. Lettuce ghee cereal here…I’m not very graceful…or fast…or coordinated…much like my spirit animal the Manatee! I’ve actually started looking FORWARD to the HIIT training! Okay, okay… now before you judge me and roll your eyes at me judgey McJudgerson let me explain…It’s not the gross sweaty aftermath that I love or even the crazy heart rate my body goes into that makes me excited to push harder each time. It’s the fact that I CAN DO THESE MOVEMENTS! It’s that simple! For 21 years I NEVER was able to jump, skip or hop but was forced to in gym and laughed at and traumatized…so and then, even after losing the weight I’ve been terrified to even try. It’s been stairmill city for me baby but NOW I CAN DO IT! I can SKIP! I can JUMP! I can LEAP! It feels like I’m flying!! That sense of freedom and agility and grace is something that I have never had before and I race out of bed in the morning each morning to do it again!
In my post last week I briefly mentioned my fear of being on my own with food and with such easy access to everything. There are fast food places and sushi places and Hawaiian bbq places here. Everything is a drive-thru! A few years ago I’d make up some stupid reason why I needed to go get food instead of just making it for myself. “I’ll just eat this tonight and tomorrow I’ll be good again.” Or “I worked really hard today at work I’m sure I burned off enough to eat this.” Those were courtesy of that stupid inside voice that let me tell myself it’s okay to eat like shit and skip the gym because you’re “tired” or “don’t have time”. I like to think that I have smothered that little being inside my brain who encourages me to think that way but I don’t want to get too comfortable and risk losing focus. I KNEW when I started this journey that this was going to be hard work for LIFE. A few years of weight loss, plastic surgery and weight lifting will transform anyone’s body if they have the dedication to make it that long but NOW is when the real work starts. NOW is when all of the years of learning about myself and my weaknesses needs to get to work. I can’t let my foot off the gas even a little bit.
It’s not that I don’t trust myself or trust my choices and decisions. Quite the opposite. I ONLY trust myself and my choices… I no longer put my trust in that little voice in my head and let her make decisions for me. This is MY game now. I’M in charge.
Lettuce ghee cereal okay? I screw up too…I’m only a human being trying to do the best she can in a really odd, weird, incredibly wonderful world. There are days where I just want to say, “Fuck it!” and eat my body weight in mashed potatoes and peanut butter (not together…but there’s an idea). There are days where I just want to lay around watching T.V. and skip the gym and eat potato chips directly off of my stomach and you know what sometimes I do let myself have the things that I crave. I let myself have an unplanned treat or an uncalculated cookie or whatever BUT I have to then take a step back and ask myself WHY? WHY am I eating this? WHY am I wanting to skip the gym? The answer is almost ALWAYS unrelated to the act itself but something much deeper. I want this cookie because I’m just bummed or having a rough day or stressed out. THAT is where I got myself into trouble before. THAT is where I’m going to save myself forever. Once I was able to start asking myself WHY? I was able to dig deep to figure out the answers for myself, instead of letting the little voice answer them for me.