Three Week Check-In- Nineteen Weeks Out
Hunger Level: No hunger. Have not missed any meals YAY!
Diet: Sticking with high protein, higher fats and very low carb. On Friday I had high protein/high fat type of re-feed meal that was delicious! I think it was good for my body to have the overload of extra fats. I might do that one more time in a few weeks for my body. I’m sticking to intermittent fasting and Paleo. I’ve been able to have yummy dinners that are creative and allow me to still eat different foods without being stuck to chicken and broccoli for every meal.
Body feels: Strong! On the inside, I feel good! I feel strong and have plenty of energy.
Workouts: I have changed up my workouts a bit to break my split down into one body part each day instead of the two body parts each day. I think that with the one body part per day I will be able to really focus on my weak areas.
Cardio: The goal has been three days per week of HIIT (continue reading…)
Emotional feels: I feel defeated, sad, angry and helpless
When I started this blog I promised to always be honest and always share the good, the bad and the painfully ugly because I truly believe that that is the process of life. When I started this journey a few weeks ago into my first contest preparation, I was ready to go balls to the wall and continue to share all of the dirty details that would go into getting ready for this competition that I have been working so hard for.
In my mind I painted a picture of what I was hoping the first few weeks of this contest prep would look like. I did everything in my power to make sure I was as prepared as possible to set myself up for success and to make this start as easy of a transition as possible so it didn’t even really feel like a “cut” but just everyday life with a very specific purpose. I planned out every single workout, every single minute of cardio, each meal was planned and counted for, hours of sleep were planned, even the time I was going to set aside each night to write in my book was planned just to make sure that I was managing my time as efficiently as possible. Vitamins were organized and packaged in baggies (looks as shady as it sounds). Even my pre-workout and creatine was set and ready to go in pre-scooped and labeled baggies. I imagined myself going into cardio every other morning, dreading it at first but giving it my all and feeling really proud of myself after. I envisioned my workouts being tough, sweaty and incredibly gratifying knowing that each workout was one day closer to my dream of stepping on that stage. I even started posing and practicing each of the mandatory poses as well as quarter turns in my mirror to try and find my own swagger that I could bring to the stage with me.
Sometimes wishing and dreaming aren’t enough are they? Sometimes life has other plans for you that you just can’t prepare for.
On Friday, January 16th I went in to see my colo-rectal surgeon because the area that had been almost fully healed and was pain free for over a month was getting really sore and I wanted to be sure that it was healing properly and the soreness was just because of the tender skin. Unfortunately, my surgeon wasn’t there that day but his colleague was and he informed me that an infection had formed under the skin that was healed and I had to be taken into the operating room and cut open to drain the infection. An hour later there I was…back in a hospital bed…back in the pre-operating room answering the exact same questions I had answered countless times before. A few more hours later I woke up in recovery, numb physically and emotionally with an open wound the size of a small bar of soap in my butt cheek. The doctor sent me home telling me to keep the wound clean and come back in a few weeks for a check-up. No pain medicine, no further instructions…this didn’t feel right. The pain over the weekend was excruciating. You know when you get lemon juice in a paper cut and it stings like a son of a bitch? Imagine the paper cut is in your ass cheek and the lemon juice is in fact pee…not pleasant. Monday morning momma bear called my surgeon to demand some type of explanation of how this could have happened again. He emailed my mom back that he was unaware that I was operated on and would get back to her later in the afternoon. Which he didn’t. Tuesday came and went…the pain and agony continued and still no phone call. Wednesday finally came and the pain was unbearable and with still no phone call from the doctor, I went into the emergency room. They kept me there over-night where they loaded me up on pain killers and sent me home the next day with a heavy dose of pain pills, muscle relaxers, anti-inflammatories and anti-biotics.
Here I am. Three weeks into the most exciting and anticipated time of my life and it gets ripped away from me. Honestly, I can handle the physical pain. This is nothing that I haven’t experienced over and over again for the last two years while I have been battling this horrible thing. The emotional pain is what is really getting to me this time. Before Christmas I was totally pain free. Workouts were finally back to normal, I was feeling strong and ready to tackle this prep like a boss…and now that image is gone. I’ve been crying a lot lately. I feel so angry. I’m angry at my body, at my surgeon, at God, just angry at the fact that this fucking thing won’t go away when I’m doing everything on my end that I can do to make sure it does. I hate this. I hate that there is always something “wrong” or something that hurts and that I can’t just go on with my life and leave this behind me (pun intended). I hate that I have become a burden to my family and I hate that my boss told me that if I wasn’t 100% by the New Year that he would have to find someone else who was and now it’s well into the New Year and I’m right back where I was a few months ago. I hate that I can’t sit or lay down or stand or run or even swim in the swimming pool without pain. I hate that I had to take pain medicine and that they gave me pain medicine in an I.V. at the hospital and who knows what that shit is doing to my insides.
I’ve done what I could in the past to stay positive and to stay motivated and I have really been trying to dig deep to do the same this time but this one is really hard to handle for me emotionally. I’m truly scared that this may never go away, that this will turn into a viscous cycle that I may never be able to break even with all of the advances in modern medicine. Look, I know that having a pity party isn’t going to help the situation at all. I realize that I need to stop being such a little winey bitch and just accept that it is what it is. There are FAR worse things in life that could be going on. There are plenty of people in the world going through much worse than I am and I should consider myself lucky that this is what it is. I know that and thank you for the tough love!
I have listened to my doctors, I have talked to my family and friends and have come to two very important decisions.
- I will NOT let this thing defeat me. I will not let it take over my life and turn into the one thing that drags me down into a darkness that becomes my job to then get myself out of. I need to use this as a challenge to test my inner strength and courage and that is exactly what I am going to do.
- I am NOT going to give up my dream of getting on that competition stage. I’ve had to cancel one show already because of this thing and I REFUSE to do it again. This thing is not going to get in the way of me going after my dreams and following through with something that I promised to myself a long time ago. I have 130 days, 12 hours and 23 minutes until show time on June 6th. Incredible things can happen in that time. I will have to change up my plan, revise my goals and really hit it harder than I ever thought I could, but anything is possible right? I hope.
Moving forward this week I will still have to take it easy on my body. Sweating obviously is not fun so cardio is going to have to be creative. I have a big boxing bag in the basement that I will do a HIIT workout with a few mornings this week and I also purchased just bike pedals, like the ones you put under your desk. I’m hoping that if I pedal from a soft surface like my bed it won’t hurt as much in the tush area. Diet will stay the same as the last three weeks since it is working for me. I will have to increase cardio since I can’t use typical methods of cardio. Lifts will stay at one body part per day with Sunday being an active rest day (I do Zumba with momma bear on Sunday mornings.)
Let us all keep our fingers, toes, nipples anything you can cross…I would truly appreciate you crossing them that next week I am healing and back busting ass.
Thank you for letting me vent and below are my progress pictures from week one to week three.