Monthly Archives: November 2013

My undying vows…to me

These are my undying vows…to myself:

my dearest self

I promise to treat you with respect

I vow to never speak ill words to you or call you names of a negative tone

I promise to never abuse you with food, with words or with actions

I will let you cry when you need to cry, let you laugh as loud as you want to laugh and never let you feel self conscious for being exactly who you are

I vow to let mistakes, mishaps and imperfections be okay.  I will accept you and every imperfection you carry because it is what makes you special

I promise to never let fear or uncertainty hold you back from following your dreams.  I will do everything in my power to cross off every single item on your bucket list

I vow to keep you healthy, pamper you with wholesome foods and quality workouts so your heart, lungs and body keep going for as long as you do

I will give you the motivation to inspire others, to help change lives and to do everything you can to assist others in following their dreams

I promise to keep you as strong on the outside as you are on the inside and to strive everyday to make both stronger

It is my undying vow to love you, cherish you and stand up for you everyday, every hour of every minute for the rest of your life


Last post was about the haters who I have encountered during this journey.  NOW it is time to appreciate those who have made a huge impact in my life and who have been a good influence in my life.  When you make a decision to change your life the initial decision is the easy part.  The first two weeks of ANYTHING is always the easiest.  It is the days months and even years later that really put you to the test.  Not only does it test your willpower and inner strength as a person but it also makes you realize how strong the support system is around you.

Family has ALWAYS been my rock and my biggest support from day one.  If I want to go to the moon my family would say “damn right you will! how can we help get you there.”  They may not always understand why I need to bring my own food to functions, or why I have to take over the kitchen every Sunday for my meal preps and no they don’t understand why I NEED to go to the gym instead of giving myself a “break day” but they BELIEVE in me.  They have also become more conscious of what they eat and their physical activity during this whole process.  My father may not be aware of what is going on but when I wear his weight belt at the gym, I know he is there and he would be really proud of me for chasing my dreams.  Knowing that he would be proud and that if he was whole minded he would absolutely be my lifting partner makes me push myself harder than I would normally I think.

My friends and incredible sorority sisters have been such an inspiration and motivation to me as well.  I may not get to talk to everyone as often as I want to and as often as when we all lived near each other in Las Vegas BUT even getting comments on Facebook, text messages and voicemails make this whole process so much easier because I know that they are cheering me on and want the best for me and I want to make them proud.  My sorority sisters knew me when I was at my heaviest.  They accepted me into our wonderful sisterhood and never once made me feel uncomfortable or judged for my size.  They love me for ME, my dirty jokes, burping and all and that love follows me every single day when things might get tough.

BEFORE this whole journey even started and I was still at my highest weight, I was blessed to cross paths with an INCREDIBLE personal trainer in Las Vegas.  Tony Cress was my trainer for two years the year before bariatric surgery and the year after until I moved back to Chicago.  Not only is Tony an incredible trainer but he attacked each training session with me with as much determination and dedication as I had.  On the days where all I wanted to do was give up and walk out of his studio, he was there giving me the push and the courage I needed to finish each workout.  He would never let me say “I can’t” and I have never dared to utter that word since training with him.

I now have a fantastic coach who I met thanks to the special man in my life.  My coach has been a true gift in this process of getting to a competition.  Not only is he so smart and passionate about what he does but he is SO understanding and patient with me and listens to all of my worries and concerns I have about food and taking in more calories and how tough that can get on me mentally.

There is a special man in my life who I have been seeing for a few months now.  Poor guy had NO idea what he was getting into when he went to the gym that day and I walked right up to him and hit on him!  hahaha!  He has been a wonderful support to me not only for the training and diet but also for the stress in my job too and the impact that has had on me and my mood.  He listens, he offers honest feedback and he is SUPPORTIVE!  He is quite a great catch and I am very lucky that we can be there for each other while we are both working hard towards our goals.

A HUUUUUUGE thank you is due to all of the wonderful, amazing, fantastic people in my life who believe in me and who are cheering me on.  Whether it is a “LIKE” on facebook, a text message or a positive thought in my direction… the positive energy is what motivates me and keeps me going every single day.  Knowing that I have a COUNTLESS number of people behind me will continue to push me to the competition stage.





IMG_20131101_215746_517IMG_20131101_215826_961AS OF NOVEMBER 4th.  LOTS OF WORK TO BE DONE.


Let the haters hit the floor

I’ve been wanting to do this topic for a while but… I just kept forgetting.


This is a topic that comes up on a daily basis for all of us in one way or another but since this is my blog I can only bitch about what happens in my world.  It seems now a days that you can’t do anything really without getting some comment from outsiders or “HATERS” as we all like to call them.


When I was fat I was made fun of every single day.  From the time I was in first grade until I started losing weight at 21 years old I heard at LEAST one comment a day about my weight.


When I decided that I wanted to be an actress I heard comments and hater talk about how I would never make it, I was too fat, I wasn’t talented enough and I didn’t have what it takes.


When I told the world that I would lose the excess weight I was told that it would never happen, that I would just gain all the weight back and that losing weight was just too hard and I was destined to be big my whole life.


Finally, starting last year until currently I receive negative comments about my decision to train and compete in Women’s Physique.


It is none of my business where the negativity comes from within these individuals.  Actually, I don’t care.  If we are being totally honest I stopped caring about negativity a LONG time ago because it is just a waste of my concern and I have far better things to worry about than someone else’s negativity.  I feel bad for those who are negative towards others and waste their own breath putting others dreams and goals down  because it’s just sad.


Many of the negative comments I receive to this day are from those who just don’t understand my goals and what I am doing.  Bodybuilding has built a reputation of being an industry filled with roided out juice heads who tan too much and say “BRO” all the time while checking themselves out too much in the mirror.  Personally, I blame “Jersey Shore”.  In reality, it is so much more than what people assume it to be.  People making comments about things they don’t understand is nothing new to me.  Let’s be honest…when most people think of those who are morbidly obese they assume that the individual is eating donuts directly off of their stomach with a McDonalds chaser in front of the television 12 times a day.


I have discovered that the negative comments (in most cases) don’t truly come from a place of hatred for the individual or wanting to cause hurt to that person.  In SOME cases it is and I have been on the receiving end of those type of people (P.S. if you have EVER in your life made fun of someone to cause harm to that person you should be ashamed of yourself.  Take time to apologize to that person NOW.  Thanks to the great world of Facebook we can all stalk each other equally and I GUARANTEE you… you may have forgotten what you called that person but they are pained by that experience and those words every single day.)


ANYWAY!  Most people make negative comments and start right in with the criticism because they just don’t understand.  Not only that but something that is out of the “NORM” is scary for most people and uncomfortable.  The general public don’t do well in uncomfortable situations.


While I am very different from most in the sense that instead of internalizing negative comments and criticism which I used to do and it was very difficult to get over.  I use the negativity, harness it and feed my fire inside to succeed and push myself.  Don’t be afraid to be different, try something new and follow your dreams exactly how you want to follow them.  Often times the things people give shit to others about are the things they REALLY give themselves shit for…. get it?  THAT’S why it even comes up… it’s on their mind.

YOU are the one following your goals

YOU are the one changing your life

YOU are the one busting your ass everyday

THEY are not…and that bothers them

Why not try to raise the weak by breaking the mighty?  *we will just go ahead and let the haters think that that actually works*


No matter what ANYONE says to me, what anyone thinks of me or feels about me I am going to do exactly what I want to do because you know what? I CAN!  I have the confidence in myself, in my abilities and in my determination to get myself anywhere I want to go.  I don’t need approval, acceptance or even positivity from the outside because it all comes from me so If you’re not with me then you’re just in my way so I suggest you move over to avoid any injury.